To. The. Stage

12:09 AM

Goodbye 'Images & Words'. Hello 'For what its worth'

From Blogger to Tumblr, I will always love you.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010
~Jenny

9:28 PM

A semester's worth of damage.

A chunk of my life I'll never get back.

A few months of routine.

A bunch of second guesses.

A series of weeks where I pushed buttons.

A stitch in time where I had my buttons pushed.

A change of seasons.

A lifetime of longing.

A taste of what curiosity brings.

A fragment of insatiable desire, satisfied.

A cradle full of emotions, rocked so gently.

A short time in reality.

A magical, magical mind.

A brief pause in time when I met you and shook your hand.

Goodbye Spring 2010. Hello Summer.

Monday, May 24, 2010
~Jenny

9:47 PM

Cute Boys With Cats

If you ever get upset with the world, this should help.

Friday, May 21, 2010
~Jenny

11:17 PM

Eeeeeeeeeeeeee!

*isk isk*

Thursday, May 20, 2010
~Jenny

10:45 PM

So finals week has rolled around and yesterday was the last day of classes. Today is the university appointed ‘Study Day’. Its a little hard to believe that Spring 2010 has flown by like that. With the Snowpocalypse of January and February everything seems to have melted away, including time. Now it is the month of May and it will soon by a whole year since I moved to Maryland. So much has changed. The day I got off that plane in Reagan Airport in May of last year, I was not the Jenny I am now. That defiant, selfish, naive girl seems to have vanished entirely. The people I thought I was too close to live without have now become the people I wish to avoid. Yet somehow the people I left at home three years ago seem to have my thoughts constantly running back to them. I guess time is supposed to have that effect on you, but that doesn’t make it any less creepy.

I sit here in my usual surroundings as familiar faces whiz by every now and then. It is expected that the same space that is usually filled with the sound of chatter and laughter has now been reduced to a dull murmur as everyone fills the air with pensive thoughts and academia. I am not a fan of ‘Study Day’. The end of the semester is probably always going to be my least favorite time, and honestly I thought I would be more thrilled about the approaching summer. The truth is that I’ve gone and fallen in love with a space in time and with the routine I’d developed for myself these passed few months. I’ve grown so comfortable in the path I’ve been taking and now that I realize I’m at a fork, I’m panicking slightly. People are going to be spreading out this summer. This isn’t like the summer of 17, when everyone just stayed in town and got drunk by 4 every afternoon. Or the summer of 20 when no one every went anywhere because no one ever really leaves Texas. Now I’m facing a summer that’ll take the people I’ve grown accustomed to, to the likes of the Appalachian trials, Montreal, Mexico, Senegal etc. I guess as you get older people go further away. But the season has adventures in store for me too, London, Houston, perhaps Paris (France, not Texas) and with that comes a host of photographs. I suppose I don’t really have anything to be worried about. Even if the people I know are all over the place (world), I guess I’ll be too preoccupied to notice.

Since yesterday was the last day of classes, and in light of that the Stamp Student Union people decided to serve free pancakes to the hard working, falling over themselves studying students of Maryland. So who else would they have whip up and serve these pancakes but the Co-op? I was waiting around, doing my work, hoping to stay late enough to score some free pancakes, around 930pm a line starts forming, but by 10pm the line was a considerable length. Figuring we might need an extra hand in the kitchen I run in to help. I was in for a ride. For one, the numerous people in the line were not the usual co-op faces we saw everyday, these were obnoxious, impatient freshmen. So I cracked eggs, flipped pancakes, refilled juices etc, and at some point, a party had developed in our beloved backroom. So while the line shortened as we churned out pancakes, we flew back and forth between the food on the grill and the hookah pipe in the backroom. We made it happen though, by the end of the night, everyone was fed, and the Stamp people were happy. I guess when you can manage taking shots of Rum out of measuring cups, everything else falls into perspective.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010
~Jenny

5:53 PM

One Thousand and One

There are probably a thousand other things I should be doing right now but here I sit clattering away at the habit I have kept since I was about 15 years old. Incidentally, this blog has become that scab that I keep picking at and as a result of that it never heals. My absence, as always is inexcusible and like always I will try to justify it. And/or make up for it.

I figure its time for a comeback post. The whole 'this is what I am doing now', 'this is where I've been hiding this whole time', 'this is what I look like now' post. And I know I was always talking about coming back, and being more involved and all that but now with summer upon us, I might actually find a minute to hold true to that promise (that is if I don't completely whore myself out to Zoo Tycoon). So lets see, going to school at The University of Maryland is what I am doing now. I'm an English major and most days I really love what I get to do. I pass my time with people who, much like me, have no idea what they are doing with their lives and are probably as scared shitless about graduating as I am. We're pretty much the dirty, runts of the litter that the university tries to hide away when Alumni come to visit.

I volunteer at the Maryland Food Collective, which is essentially a not-for-profit, worker-owned and operated organization that seeks to provide quality, organic, seasonal, fair-trade, and healthy food at an affordable price. Needless to say, I'm surrounded mostly by warm-hearted folk who sometimes don't shower and cute little straight edge 'xhardcorex' kids who play and listen to terrible music and also sometimes don't shower. Regardless, I like it. As for what I look like, well that's what that giant picture is for. Minus one piercing (to make Mummy happy) that picture is pretty much the most accurate depiction of 'Everyday Jenny' that you'll find.

When I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing, I'm taking pictures. Yes, I'm that person in a group of friends thats constantly sticking a camera in peoples faces and interrupting conversations because "the sunlight is in the perfect spot". I love capturing the people I love as they are, they aren't professional shots, they aren't fancy, but they're real.

It is the weekend before finals week, and even though I should be channeling all this 'writing mojo' to something that'll earn me a grade, I find this strangely thereputic. It's like seeing a friend you haven't seen in ages and realising you have tonnes to catch up on. So much has gone by and it might actually be better to start new than to try to catch up.

I took a walk down Orchard Road today. From Plaza Singapura all the way to Forum. I thank God for Google maps everyday. As I reminisced and pondered, (and also noticed that EVERYTHING seems to be under construction) I realised that it was almost as good as the real thing. Just minus the hot and sweaty humidity, actual walking and people watching (Google blurs out faces :[ ) I miss home, I'm sure that's a given and I don't actually have to say it. I anxiously await the day I graduate and get done here so I can go home and eat some real food and hang out in weather that makes me feel like my face is melting.

Anyway, here's to many more informative, colorful, slightly self absorbed blog posts.

Saturday, May 08, 2010
~Jenny

9:22 PM

Wednesday, March 10, 2010
~Jenny

8:37 PM

For what it's worth

I don't write here nearly as much as I used to. But for what it's worth, I'm here now. I figure its a new year, and if I don't want it to turn out as awful as last year did, I should do things differently. I sit here, 10 days into the new year, still hopeful, still optimistic. 2009 is finally dead and gone and perhaps with it, so is my bad luck.

Thinking about the events that transpired in 09 makes me sick. I can't believe the person that I turned into and I can't even begin to imagine the hurt I brought upon the people I care for the most. However, in sincere, unarmed retrospect I find myself feeling grateful. I am who I am today thanks to the mistakes last year had in store for me.

This year will be cleaner, brighter and smarter. It will take me places I've never been and introduce me to people I've always wanted to meet but never knew I did. This year will be stronger, it will help me be the crutch for others instead of always being the one to need one. This year will keep its promise. I have to go sometime, I can't be a kid forever.

Sunday, January 10, 2010
~Jenny

10:04 AM

Love is patient, love is kind, love never ends.

We all have words we live by, but in times like these when even the air I breathe seems unsure, I don't know what to believe. These passed few months have been a ride. I don't know if that's a good thing exactly. I've been on something nearly everyday of the last few months. Some days have been gloomy, others over the top gorgeous. And to have shared all this with you makes my heart warm. Its the little things that always count.

But now I realise that I have been the only one compromising. I've been the only one accomadating you, and you've never indulged me, not in the slightest bit, and I feel cheated. These days we fight over the littlest things that come out of nowhere. I go through one bad spell after another, waiting for that good streak that comes along and makes me fall deeper. Today the sun is not out, last night's raindrops cling to my window pane. Knowing you aren't with me, and you're somewhere out there, roaming, hurts me. Knowing that you slept in the park while it rained last night, breaks my heart.

I hate the fact that I care so deeply for you despite the hurt. The fact that you return no concession to what I give you so freely. I hate the fact that I take the backseat all the time and its your opinion that always matters first. I hate the fact that we always do what you want to do. The fact that we give in to your every whims and fancies at my expense. I hate the fact that you can do something to screw us up so bad and then make it look like it was my fault. I hate that despite all that, I love you.

Wouldn't that mean we're in a bind now?

Sunday, April 12, 2009
~Jenny

4:04 AM

Upon return.

I have discovered that my heart has moved homes.

Upon the New Year,

I have realised that I spectate, perhaps too much.

Upon revelation,

I think perhaps this isn't what I am cut out for.

The year 2009 as I have feared, has reared its ugly head. Another year. Another journey, another opportunity? My thoughts flow seamlessly, carefully transitioning from one to another. Effortlessly confusing me and complicating situations. My mind seems imprisoned and struggling. I am struggling. To cope, to understand, to tolerate. As a new life is pending to begin for me, I foresee an ending. And I have too much on my plate to be dealing with anything else. Don't ask me whats on my mind, my answer might knock you over. In this bright new year, this distance is darkness.

Saturday, January 10, 2009
~Jenny

1:21 PM

Of final days and vacant eyes.

On a morning that I should have woken up feeling awful and nauseous, I awake at noon physically perfect. As the cold invades the air outside, I am clad in pajama pants and warm socks. I had the best sleep anyone who went to sleep at 5am, drunk could ask for. I wake up, wrapped in my blanket, my eyes flutter open, in the manner of a Disney princess. I linger in bed for a moment, for fear that if I got up, my headache would attack. For a moment, I sit and enjoy how the sun colours my bedroom red through the curtains. I slowly sit up, cautious. Nothing. I feel perfectly fine. I think, 'perhaps I didn't drink as much as I thought I did'. The scent of morning coffee and vanilla pervade the room. As the events of the night before run through my head, I smile and then it hits me. Those last few images before my eyes shut, before the warm drive home. How I felt a pain I never imagined I could feel. The words I said that brought tears to his eyes. As I decide to get out of bed, something washes over me. A dull throbbing pain that numbs my body. Right in the pit of my chest, something is set flame. It burns, strong and hard. It hurts. Its too late to go back to bed, definitely too late to try to go back to sleep. I had left that shelter, I was now raw and exposed. I wake up to a pain greater than any hangover, greater than any injury. Tears brim once again to my virgin morning eyes and as I try to fight this pain I reach out because I'm not capable of dealing with this. I don't want to deal with this. I don't want to leave him. I never want to see tears in his eyes again. His beautiful blue eyes. I never want to hear him apologising through his tears again. I never want to feel him wipe my tears away again. I never want to feel that way again. Metaphorically I am loading my gun, checking its crevaces, tightening what I need to. I deal with this, the only way I know how. I'm shaking as tears flow seamlessly down my cheeks. I've been expecting this, I've known it was coming. Yet the pain is still every bit as startling. In my mind, I wrap my short fingers around the cold gun, gradually lifting it. I pull it to my temple and I close my eyes. For a moment, I am vacant of emotion, my eyes flash blank. For a moment I am liberated. My eyes reel open as the gun falls to the ground. I am bleeding. Am I infected. It has now been an hour since I woke up and I wish I never had. You should know that the darker the X, the warmer the gun will be. Today is the day I awoke with a broken heart.

Sunday, December 07, 2008
~Jenny

11:42 PM

Tales of yearning and distortion.

Alright, I've got two major mid-terms this week and I really ought to be studying. In fact is I've been doing nothing but studying, I figured I should rest my brain and revert back to old patterns of My Chemical Romance, The Used and feeling 15 again. I remember when we were 15, I recall Edward Scissorhands and afternoons filled with jazz. I remember you, I always will. As the months slowly melt away, the thought of being able to see you again makes my heart swell. Its been way too long darling.

So I've indulged for a tick and decided to come on here and spill my guts a little. I've been crazy insanely busy, for those of you who wonder. Doing the whole 'perpetually broke starving college student working 2 jobs' thing. Its been exhilarating, we all know how I feel about keeping profitably busy. I leave Houston in a little under 2 months, I leave boy in a little under 2 months. Somehow after nearly 7 years, these wounds are torn open and feel ever so fresh again. Somehow I find myself back in the situation of having to say goodbye, with the airport and the tears. This time I'm the one who finds myself leaving on a jetplane. I've been keeping quiet about it, I didn't want it to seem like I would let something like this compromise my future, but now I figure, instead of sitting around and waiting for this certain impending doom so to speak, I might as well put it out. Maybe it'll seem less aggravating out loud, than sloshing around in my noggin.

Sometimes I lose sight of myself when I'm in his arms, when my fingers trace his lashes. For those brief instances, I find myself suspended in some sort of timeless animation. When application, phonecalls, bank balances, school and work aren't an issue. I wonder to myself, how I got so lucky. What did I do to deserve such comfort with someone. What did I do to deserve to simply 'fit'. I wonder why.

Don't get me wrong, I've come to accept the fact that my life pretty much boils down to picking up moving along, settling down, assimilating, falling in love with places, people- then being violently yanked away and made to do the same thing over again, just somewhere else, with someone else. Settling into a pattern is almost forbidden. Thats life no?

So as I hop from one island of happiness to another, I try to avoid falling into the shark infested waters that surround me. With all these transitions that come and go, you have always been that unobvious constant.

As you remember, I do too. I remember standing outstide the bathroom stall consoling you while you cried about your B in Geography when I had failed. I remember the way you remember all the tiny details. I remember how you'd hold my hand when we'd walk down the street. I remember all the silly things we've done.

Let me just put it this way, saying goodbye to love makes it almost worth it, when I know that it means seeing you again.

Sunday, October 19, 2008
~Jenny

11:59 AM

oh, shizzazle.

Saturday, September 20, 2008
~Jenny

10:20 PM

The one with the hurricane and blushing.

As most of you know, Hurricane Ike hit us on Friday night. Angry winds blew and rain not only mercilessly poured, it pillaged several trees, fences as well as the neighbour's chimney. As unfortunate as all these events were, we're okay. Meaning Ranima, Ana, Minky and I. All is well at home save the back fence and the banana tree. The only thing we really lost Friday night was sleep. Oh and electricity. Saturday night, after kidnapping of the birthday girl, we were able to resume our Hurricane/Mischa's Birthday party. Which was surprisingly enjoyable considering there were 8 hot, sweaty, hungry people in an apartment with no electricity and no means to cook anything. Eventually after trawling the streets of dangling traffic lights and fallen street lamps for food, we only managed to find an extremely crowded gas station that was strictly 'Cash Only'. Instead of buying more chips which we did not need, we got Micsha's cigarettes and charged our phones. Bless Tim's heart for driving 4 very un-straight, boisterous young ladies about in the likes of deserted, disorderly 1960, 290, 249 and Barker Cypress.

Eventually the ladies and I ripped two chickens to pieces and prepped them for grilling. Though at this point we were not aware that we had a grill but no coal, which in turn ended up in Nikkii's SAT book in shreds and a huge hairspray flame on the patio. 5 pieces of chicken were prepared, the rest didn't get a chance seeing as to how anyone who'd attempted to cook came back in teary eyed and coughing. 'Never have I ever' was played, which turns out to be a game you use to find out just how slutty someone really is. We eventually got to bed after several hours of silly games. The windows were open for a while, afterwhich it started to rain and had to be shut. Mosquitoes somehow still managed to get into the room and repeatedly bite me on the ass though. Not so fun.

A very quick unanimous decision was made in the morning about going to IHOP for breakfast. Well it was more like this, I woke up, put on Shane's T-shirt and told her, "We are going to IHOP this morning, if you say no I will kill you and eat you" - everyone pretty much jumped on board after that. IHOP could have possibly been the one restaurant open and serving hot food, no doubt they had one thing on the menu and they made you pay at the door. Turned out that a good hot plate of eggs and hash browns was just what everyone needed, bitchy, tired faces were once again replaced with delerious, giggling ones.

There's something liberating about chaos. Among all those dangling traffic lights and broken/ collapsed trees/lamp posts, I found myself having an out of body experience (which was probably a bad idea seeing as to how I was driving and all) I looked around to see my friends, barely clothed, looking and smelling filthy. Dirty fingernails and splashing in puddles (or rather being a whimp about walking in a puddle with fresh fire ant bite wounds and being carried over the puddle) I looked around at all of us, and the general public and thought to myself, how much more gracious and understanding the crisis made people. All that disaster and devastation brought out the kindness in people we fail to see on a day to day basis. Its amazing how being with the right people at the right time can put you in much needed perspective, and as the afternoon sun began to emerge from behind the clouds that littered the sky, it became harder and harder to believe it had ever rained at all.

Monday, September 15, 2008
~Jenny

11:11 AM

Tuesday, August 05, 2008
~Jenny